The big ugly D word.

So a couple of my friends are getting divorced. I've noticed that divorce, and breakups seem to follow a trend like deaths, not that they come in threes, no its a little more complicated than that, they come in two's and one of them works it out before the decision is final.

Two couples are splitting. I don't feel close to either of them really, not because of any real reason, its just... I don't know, I rarely connect to people, I guard myself too much and most people are either intimidated by me when I find them interesting enough to reveal my true self or don't take the time to try when I don't. As a result I have few close friends and I am sort of a loner most of the time, and thats ok by me... but I'm getting off topic, my point is these people are divorcing and when friends get married or divorced, I think it sort of has an impact on the relationships around them.

In one of the cases, my husband is closer to them both than I am, and definitely closer to one party and I guess I am too, I have always felt more of a connection with this person than their spouse but either way its an awkward situation where I saw it coming once someone stepped back into their lives, but what do you say? "Watch out for that person, y'all are playing with fire?" I'm  not presumptuous enough to try and live someone's life for them, but all the same, now, I feel like maybe I could have done something.

I don't know what do do in this case... from my point of view one party is clearly more at fault than the other, but you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors and closed minds. I unwittingly reached out to the guiltier party last night (I didn't know yet what was going on) and I offered my ear and any help I can give, and afterward, I wanted to take it back. I don't want to choose sides, and it seems like I was tossing my hat in the ring for this person, when really, I just wanted to help them both.

My husband and I split at one point, and almost divorced. During that time I distanced myself from everyone he knew to save them the hassle of choosing, or so I told myself, but I think really I was trying to save myself from the mixed emotions I would have felt if they had reached out to me. I don't want to be a burden to either of these people, so I don't know how to move forward, but despite being a rather cold person, I am not going to leave anyone without  a quantum of solace if I can offer it... I am probably over thinking this, as I do everything.

Aha! The first post.

Hello out there in internet land.

I've missed blogging... I find something very comforting in randomly sending out my thoughts into the world, knowing that they can be read by no one, or anyone. I am a pretty secretive person, but really what is the point of writing, if not to be read at some point even if it is just myself. So here I am, fairly safe in the anonymity of the internet, writing to a pretend audience. I am not going to tell anyone of this blog, so that I can stay open, and not feel like I have to reserve myself for the sake of someones feelings, this whole sending my thoughts into the ether thing is just more therapeutic that way.

Its been about two years since I've written anything that wasn't a school assignment. My old blog, which I cannot access anymore because I've deleted the account associated with it, is still there, I will probably save it somehow, because even though some of the posts are heart-wrenching to me now, its a good reminder of my past and how far I have come. I am not going to link to it, because it is exactly that, passed, and I want to look at me now, and moving forward instead.

So, to my known audience of one... (myself) I cannot promise to always be interesting, but I can promise I will always be honest, and share what I'm feeling at the time, even if it is just the daily babbling of a mad woman.

Adieu