Wake me up when November ends.



God is a jackass.

Comic Courtesy Cracked.com

its been a while

I suck at this whole blogging every day thing.

I used to be really good at it, oh well.

I am listening to Pandora, and they are playing some soulful music, and its taking me back into a tumultous point in my life. Its got me feeling a little low.

I've been low lately. I found out I'm going to be an aunt. That's nice but to be perfectly honest its got me a little jealous. I am trying not to be, heaven knows I'm trying not to be, but I'm not as selfless as I would like. I wish I were more like Melanie Hamilton from Gone With the Wind, but I'm not. I'm more Scarlett than anything.

I still dont know how I feel about children. I have a very small, like nearly 0% chance of having kids for a couple of reasons but honestly, I dont know if I really want them. I know my husband wants kids, and I think I would make a good mother, a good balance of teacher diciplinarian and nurturer, but I cant decide if I want to be. 

I come from a big family, and I cant imagine not having one, but I'm happy with my life the way it is now... and I'm scared shitless of all the things the world currently holds. Also, I bearly made it through my childhood alive, almost becoming another teenage suicide statistic. At 15 years old I thought no one would care if I slipped off the earth, now in hindsight, I realize I was wrong, and I'm glad that certain measures I took, haven't really left me scarred, more than emotionally. But its that emotional scarring that leaves me wondering whether I have the strenghth to help someone through adolecence, and whether my past will haunt me.

Preganancy itself also scares me. after three miscarriages, the third hardly fazed me at all, and I know thats probably not such a good thing, but it is what it is and it couldnt be anything else.

Thinking about it my heart is all scar tissue, its been broken too many times. miracle it still beats.

Ok GO!

So I am feeling much better. Not so down in the dumps and inexplicably angry. My friend Karl has started a website (blog?) that I thoroughly enjoy and it has made me want to start writing fiction again, but I have been feeling thoroughly uncreative these past months.

I've made a promise to myself to finish the papercut of my giant head tomorrow. The boy will be out doing his thing, and I dont have any plans, so I am going to sit down with a couple razors and knock that baby out of the park.I feel I need to complete something, before I start spiraling into a pit of self doubt again.

I am not the worlds most self confident person, but I am  confident enough to realize I am pretty damn good at some things, even though Social Decorum prevents me from tooting my own horn too loud. But sometimes, I get into moods where I'm so sad just cant stand myself and I cant believe that anything I do is worth it. I hate these moods and I hate the fact that I have been fighting them since I hit puberty.  So please, if you my imaginary readers catch me in one of these, disregard it as temporary insanity, and know that this too shall pass.

so, right now, I feel like writing, or drawing or painting, I feel like creating something. only I have nothing thats particularly moving me today. So here I am babbling for the sake of babbling, I used to be much better at this whole stream of conciousness thing... I guess I've installed a brain filter soemwhere along the line.

maybe later i will try for five solid minutes of whatever pops in my head.

Terrible mood.

My hair looks fantastic today.

My only problem with that is I cant get past the thought that after tomorrow, it will never be this exact level of cuteness again. I'm not changing it or anything.... that's just my hairs MO.... once its great enough for me to notice through my stress filled haze, its pretty much done till the next time I get a cut.

I am in an awful mood. I have been for about two weeks. I cant figure out why, my only real clue is I work for a high-strung micro manager, and I myself tend to want things done perfectly... but lately, I feel like crying at work. I feel like I cannot do anything right, and I cant go a single day without getting yelled at, but that is perfectly normal, and usually I have duckfeathers about the whole thing.

I hate feeling like this, I know that realistically the world is not falling down around my ears, in reality, I'm almost ashamed to say, my life is pretty friggin perfect.

So why do I want to bury my face in a pillow and scream until my lungs collapse? I think that's whats bothering me most of all... I just really don't know the why.

I'm not going to talk about this anymore. nothing good ever came from throwing a pity party... I'm just going to go back to slapping a fake smile on my face, and hope that I can get away without killing anyone.

Roomates.

"My roommate got pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere." - Stephen Wright

I've had strange luck with roommates. I've had a roommate pretty much my entire adult life, and before that I shared a room with my sister so I had a literal ROOMmate.

My sister and I both have very strong personalities, growing up she was my best friend, my partner in brother torture, the cool chick who let me in on all her sleepovers, the one who taught me how to be bad. I love my sister to death, but life is not always sunshine and daisies. We could go from building pillow forts to chucking shoes in the blink of an eye depending on our moods, and having two teenage girls in the same place, moods changed like lightning, and that was always interesting. After she moved out, we became best friends, when she moved to a different state we would talk to each other at least twice a week.

In college I had a roommate that didn't believe in paying bills, and well... actually a lot of things about that whole situation were fucked up, on both sides, and I really don't feel like thinking back on all that because somehow, amazingly we have managed to become friends again.

When I first moved into my current house, my brother in law lived with us, that was a weird situation  because he was still in high school and I felt like a parent, but at the same time, I couldn't help but feel like telling him to get your shit together I'm not your fucking mother. I had to feed the kid and cook and clean after him, and often he didn't like what I had cooked. We had to rip out the  carpet in the  bathroom because he couldn't find the toilet.  He only stayed with us for about a year, eventually moving on to another friends house where he clung to them like parents, until about a year ago when he got his own apartment, and started becoming an adult... I'm still proud of him, and I'm glad that he learned some manners, even though I'm sure they are not all courtesy of me, as much as I would like to think so.

My current roommate moved in shortly after he left, she was in a bad situation and needed somewhere to stay for a couple months, she is someone my husband knew from his hobby club, and I had known in high school... it wasn't a big deal to me a couple months would be no problem... I feel like with here there were two roommates roommate #1 always at the house, always up to hang out and have a good time, then once she got her new boyfriend... roommate #2 who really doesn't stay in the house often, and somehow manages to make me feel like a stranger in my own home. Its been two years now and I am ready to say Auf Wiedersehen, but I don't know how to bring it up. There's no real reason I should want her gone aside from I want to turn her bedroom into a studio. This makes me feel like kind of an awful person, but really... I want my space.

My advice to anyone who does not have a roommate is if you can afford it, stay that way..  because as John Cheese said at the end of the day "you'll come home from a hard day's work and throw your pants on the floor because they're your pants. It's your floor. Your rules. And as you spend the rest of your pants less day, relaxing on your self-made pantscarpet, there's not a goddamn thing anyone can do about it."

Shiny

That red tiny dot, is the friggin Sun, a brightly glowing ball of fire you cant normally even look NEAR much less take pictures of Windows

by Donovan Holtz

Across the headlands The forest masses Under gray skies And mist Into a solid wall Of muted gray Through which cars Glide skirting noiselessly The rocky edge. Through a window I watch, windows are For watching - Square pieces of life Ever changing.

Things as they tend to do are changing and staying the same in my world. The sky Where I live is normally this brilliant blue. I dont have any pictures of it on my phone to upload... or do I?

No, but we will pretend this San Diego sunset from two weeks ago is Albuquerque... Pretend hard

any who, the past few days, well since last Thursday really, its been this ugly ashy brown color because of wildfires surrounding  my city trying to choke the life out of people. So the skyline has been changed, but the city is still the same.

I have a new office, equipped with not one, but TWO windows (no more wall staring contests for me)  but nothing else about my job has changed.... its like everything is shiny and new, but still all the same, and I'm not sure if I find that comforting, or boring.

Mawwiage

So here I was toiling away like a good little worker bee when all of a sudden the radio started playing all 4-one's "I can love you like that" and it took me back to Polk middle school and my 8th grade prom, and being sung this song by my friend's sister's boyfriend and laughing my ass off... I couldn't remember the guys name (David, Chris, Evan, Jose, Juan Paco?), I can see his face in my mind, (kind of... its been 12 years) but I do remember he proposed to me every day in 8th grade, and it got me thinking, I have been proposed to way too many times for a woman my age, and it made me wonder what about me elicits that action in people.

Too many separate people have proposed to me, and while only one (my husband) truly meant it (and he is the only one who didn't actually say "will you marry me" on bended knee), its sort of a strange quirk of life, that something in me makes men (well boys in most cases do this). I've just realized I probably sound like I'm bragging.... and that's not how it is meant at all, THESE PEOPLE HAD NO ROMANTIC INTEREST IN ME. One was gay, one was, as I said already in a middle school puppy love relationship, and one was just in fun. I just wonder is it normal for guys to do this, or is it an anomaly of my life? My mother said it had happened to her in high school, but my mom, unlike myself, was a Stone Cold Fox in high school.

Oh well, that is enough of that pondering for today, Now I can go back to my super healthy lunch of Cool Ranch Doritos and Pineapple Fanta, (a flavor combination I do not recommend. )  and going over post drafts that I may choose to finish.

The big ugly D word.

So a couple of my friends are getting divorced. I've noticed that divorce, and breakups seem to follow a trend like deaths, not that they come in threes, no its a little more complicated than that, they come in two's and one of them works it out before the decision is final.

Two couples are splitting. I don't feel close to either of them really, not because of any real reason, its just... I don't know, I rarely connect to people, I guard myself too much and most people are either intimidated by me when I find them interesting enough to reveal my true self or don't take the time to try when I don't. As a result I have few close friends and I am sort of a loner most of the time, and thats ok by me... but I'm getting off topic, my point is these people are divorcing and when friends get married or divorced, I think it sort of has an impact on the relationships around them.

In one of the cases, my husband is closer to them both than I am, and definitely closer to one party and I guess I am too, I have always felt more of a connection with this person than their spouse but either way its an awkward situation where I saw it coming once someone stepped back into their lives, but what do you say? "Watch out for that person, y'all are playing with fire?" I'm  not presumptuous enough to try and live someone's life for them, but all the same, now, I feel like maybe I could have done something.

I don't know what do do in this case... from my point of view one party is clearly more at fault than the other, but you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors and closed minds. I unwittingly reached out to the guiltier party last night (I didn't know yet what was going on) and I offered my ear and any help I can give, and afterward, I wanted to take it back. I don't want to choose sides, and it seems like I was tossing my hat in the ring for this person, when really, I just wanted to help them both.

My husband and I split at one point, and almost divorced. During that time I distanced myself from everyone he knew to save them the hassle of choosing, or so I told myself, but I think really I was trying to save myself from the mixed emotions I would have felt if they had reached out to me. I don't want to be a burden to either of these people, so I don't know how to move forward, but despite being a rather cold person, I am not going to leave anyone without  a quantum of solace if I can offer it... I am probably over thinking this, as I do everything.

Aha! The first post.

Hello out there in internet land.

I've missed blogging... I find something very comforting in randomly sending out my thoughts into the world, knowing that they can be read by no one, or anyone. I am a pretty secretive person, but really what is the point of writing, if not to be read at some point even if it is just myself. So here I am, fairly safe in the anonymity of the internet, writing to a pretend audience. I am not going to tell anyone of this blog, so that I can stay open, and not feel like I have to reserve myself for the sake of someones feelings, this whole sending my thoughts into the ether thing is just more therapeutic that way.

Its been about two years since I've written anything that wasn't a school assignment. My old blog, which I cannot access anymore because I've deleted the account associated with it, is still there, I will probably save it somehow, because even though some of the posts are heart-wrenching to me now, its a good reminder of my past and how far I have come. I am not going to link to it, because it is exactly that, passed, and I want to look at me now, and moving forward instead.

So, to my known audience of one... (myself) I cannot promise to always be interesting, but I can promise I will always be honest, and share what I'm feeling at the time, even if it is just the daily babbling of a mad woman.

Adieu