its been a while

I suck at this whole blogging every day thing.

I used to be really good at it, oh well.

I am listening to Pandora, and they are playing some soulful music, and its taking me back into a tumultous point in my life. Its got me feeling a little low.

I've been low lately. I found out I'm going to be an aunt. That's nice but to be perfectly honest its got me a little jealous. I am trying not to be, heaven knows I'm trying not to be, but I'm not as selfless as I would like. I wish I were more like Melanie Hamilton from Gone With the Wind, but I'm not. I'm more Scarlett than anything.

I still dont know how I feel about children. I have a very small, like nearly 0% chance of having kids for a couple of reasons but honestly, I dont know if I really want them. I know my husband wants kids, and I think I would make a good mother, a good balance of teacher diciplinarian and nurturer, but I cant decide if I want to be. 

I come from a big family, and I cant imagine not having one, but I'm happy with my life the way it is now... and I'm scared shitless of all the things the world currently holds. Also, I bearly made it through my childhood alive, almost becoming another teenage suicide statistic. At 15 years old I thought no one would care if I slipped off the earth, now in hindsight, I realize I was wrong, and I'm glad that certain measures I took, haven't really left me scarred, more than emotionally. But its that emotional scarring that leaves me wondering whether I have the strenghth to help someone through adolecence, and whether my past will haunt me.

Preganancy itself also scares me. after three miscarriages, the third hardly fazed me at all, and I know thats probably not such a good thing, but it is what it is and it couldnt be anything else.

Thinking about it my heart is all scar tissue, its been broken too many times. miracle it still beats.